One Liners and Status Updates

Sometimes when I'm sad I like to cut myself... another slice of cheesecake

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering

You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Laptop speakers are too soft for music but too loud for porn

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site

If you can't read this, you're illiterate

I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline....if they made every 5th caller a winner... just sayin'

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends

To write with a broken pencil is pointless

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

I knew a guy called William, he joined the army and for some reason disliked the phrase 'fire at will'

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work

Some guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda.. lucky it was a soft drink

I swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When my mother phoned to ask how I was, the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control her pupils

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

I just bought some reversible baggies? I'm excited to see how they turn out

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine

They cant do stock-take in Afghanistan because of the tally ban

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery

Deafness is getting to be a problem for me lately... I never thought I'd hear myself say that

I wonder if the fellow who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

A cartoonist was found dead in his home this morning... the details are bit sketchy

I'm inclined to be laid back

It's better to have loved and lost a short girl.. than never to have loved a tall

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie

I got caught stealing a calendar... got twelve months

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper

Our TV repairman got married... the reception was excellent

I couldn't pull out of my parking space, so I used a back up plan

I'm happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams

I watched a movie about a beaver last night.. it was the best dam movie I've ever seen

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster

I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click

I didn't want to buy leather shoes.. but eventually I was suede

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Is stealing someone's coffee called 'mugging'?

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive

Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his acts.. but it was just a stage he was going through

Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners

For plumbers.. a flush beats a full house

Tennis players rarely settle down.. because Love means Nothing to them

Seven days without a pun makes one weak

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall

In winter my dog has a full coat, but in summer he has his coat and pants

I had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, but I broke it off

I only wear glasses during math because it improves divison

A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia

Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein

I started studying finance... but I lost interest

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

I have some secrect bread recipes.. their on a knead to know basis

So I hear rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops

I reckon I should get a job as a garbage-man.. it seems like it's picking up

There's no ways I could be a cowboy.. my family tells me I'm deranged

I avoid funerals purely because I'm not a mourning person

Women who wear alot of perfume obviously have no common scents

I was talking to some tech guy in Australia.. they were helping me connect to the LAN down under

I failed maths so many times I lost count

Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves.. and that's where I come in

Cows would live much longer if they weren't made of steak and leather jackets

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

Madness takes its toll... Please have exact change

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants