One Liners and Status Updates

So if there's ever a zombie apocalypse I hope the outbreak starts in Vegas.. you know, so it stays in Vegas

I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy.. but i'm wearing a cape

I love the smell of moth balls.. the only problem is trying to spead their tiny little legs

I just passed a drug test! All I can say is.. my dealer has alot of explaining to do

My friend's a Jehovah's Witness. She got all upset with me because she tried telling me a knock knock joke and I ignored her..

It makes me sick when woman are viewed purely as sex objects.... they cook too dammit!!

"Baby on board!" Oh really.. okay, i WAS going to ram into the back of your car, but now i won't

When I die I want my last words to be, "I left a million Rand under the..."

I saw a guy driving and eating an ice-cream.. freaking sundae drivers!

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke... so I attached my payslip on the first slide

Ladies, if you're meeting a man for the first time and he says he likes to take long walks in the wilderness, he really means, "They'll never find your body!"

Some guy threatened to hunt me down and beat me with shock absorbers.. he didnt say when though. The suspension's killing me

How do you get a fat chick into bed... piece of cake!

Saying "Beer Can" in a British accent is equivalent to saying "Bacon" in a Haitian accent

I often look back on my childhood, when my dad would hang old tyres from ropes to make swings.. those were Good Years

Sadly, it was the similarity in design of light sabers and vibrators that cost the lives of so many promising female Jedi

I never found love in a hopeless place... but one time I did leave my underwear there

Me thinks this crack is really moreish

I put the pro in procrastinate

I'm out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party

I have a friend who's wife is bisexual. Every time he wants to do something sexual... he has to buy her something

I always thought I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins... but take a look at me now

A 12 year old kid came up to me and asked, "May I have a cigarette?" I couldn't believe kids that age are so polite

I once almost convinced my girlfiend to have make-up-sex, but she thought I used waaayy to much lipstic

This door sign said, 'Exit Only!' So, I entered and went up to the owner and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man

I dont hate you... I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank

I just put a huge load in my dishwasher .. She spat it out though

I dont need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the shorts skirts and low cut tops.. although, the do make me look a bit gay

I promise you're not fat.. I can just see you from far away

According to my voicemails, I was supposed to pick my mother-in-law up at the airport a month ago...

After landing myself in jail, I spent the next hour getting relentlessly bum raped.... Sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly too seriously

Bro, she just called you RIhanna!" "Oh hell no, hold my umbrella ela ela eh eh eh!

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little bit "extra"

Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched... because if it bothers you, I'll stop?

Does the moon really possess strange powers or is it just... lunacy?

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click

A fool and his money are soon partying

A man is not complete until he is married.. then he is finished

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese

A woman's favorite position is CEO

Assassins do it from behind

Boldly going nowhere

Born an ass hole (The rest grew later)

Born free... taxed to death

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Cover me. I'm changing lanes

Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss' ass

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

I failed my urine-test

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

If you don't like the way I drive, Get off the sidewalk!

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death

In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed

It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!

How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis

My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is

In school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'It looks much better on!' On what? On fire?

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter

I have such poor vision I can date anybody

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!

My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa

So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Gandhi was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

I felt like hugging the petrol pump after I filled up my car this morning... mainly because I like cuddling after I get SCREWED!!!

A mosquito bit me last night... It's safe to say it got mostly Heineken than blood

Time's fun when you're having flies

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail