One Liners and Status Updates

Ladies.. stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job!

It's like these people have never seen someone wearing a lifejacket on the gym's rowing machine. Safety first peeps, safety first..

I think that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

I sometimes watch birds and wonder.. If I could fly who would I shit on?

Michael is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Note to self: Thanks for always being there

Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO

Boy, my Nigerian girlfriend sure needs a lot of money wired to her. I really love Sxbgfsnj Fuhbdexgb though

99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants dont like women

The next person who says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact

I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert

If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm

A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby

I think that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi

Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside

No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod

If you 'Friend Request' me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence

The 'L' in my luck has been replaced with an 'F'

Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there.. T_IF

Wishes I had a 'friend with benefits. But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket.

I failed my drivers test. The guy asked me, "what do you do at a red light?" I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook

My mother + my father - condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you're full of crap before you get there

All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

Thinks that the 'speaking to another human being'' feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature

Failure is not an option!! its a lifestyle

To err is human, to arr is pirate..

I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything.. but i signed my own birth certificate

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Music has the charm to soothe a savage beast. But I'd try a baseball bat first

I'm getting pretty nervous about my math exam. I think I've got a 40:40 percent chance of passing

I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to

My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit

Every time I go to the pool in my bathing suit I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes

The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy

In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus

Let's be frank here. I'll be Sinatra and you be Zappa

Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin

If you want to know what life would be like if you were rich, look at your cats

All pistachios come from broken homes

I was feeling bold but then I lost my b

I understand, you love interfering. What do you want, a meddle?

There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep"

I might not be my mothers favourite child but I am her only one so that makes me kind of special

You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium

The worst thing about having ADD and OCD is that I forget to wash my hands 50 times a day

My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel

The doctor gave me a new jacket! Now I can hug myself!

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face

Girls names are like passwords. Get it wrong.. access denied

I like to think my lack of common sense enhances my other senses

If I could be any person, living or dead, I'd definitely be a living person

Dragons sleep during the day so they can hunt knights

This after-hours club looks suspiciously like my couch

Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop

Wife's on her way back from the shrink. I can't wait to find out what I need to work on

Sound advice from my wife. 99% sound. 1% advice

According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller. So when I lose a game, I swear and throw myself at the wall

Kilometers are shorter than miles. So, I'm taking my next trip in kilometers to save gas

Don't grow up! It's a trap!!!

Why limit happy to just an hour?

I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?

I'm on the 'Starts Tomorrow' diet

There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call

Just got a memory foam pillow and I still can't remember my dreams. Lies!

You can't fire me, I'm not even loaded

Cell phones have completely ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat

There are times I miss you so bad I wish I could remember where I hid your body

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms

I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide which vending machine to spend it at

Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid

The barman says "we don't serve time travellers here". A time traveller walks into a bar

Though many think the letter 'M' is quite common, it actually only occurs once in a blue moon

I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time

My wife isn't always right, but she's certainly never wrong

A surprise party is a great way to show your wife how convincingly you can lie to her

I run my Adobe updates while I'm waiting for my mother to make her point

Heard a store ad offering 24 months with no interest. Just like my life

My relationship with my ex wife was very psychological..... she's psycho and I'm logical

I'll be texting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me

Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They're usually paramedics, but still, new people

Another 12 step program and I still can't dance

If you love something let it go. If it comes back, maybe you love a boomerang

I have a few jokes about unemployment.. but they need some work

I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow