It's like these people have never seen someone wearing a lifejacket on the gym's rowing machine. Safety first peeps, safety first..
I think that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
I sometimes watch birds and wonder.. If I could fly who would I shit on?
Michael is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore
If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Note to self: Thanks for always being there
Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
Boy, my Nigerian girlfriend sure needs a lot of money wired to her. I really love Sxbgfsnj Fuhbdexgb though
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants dont like women
The next person who says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact
I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert
If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm
A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby
I think that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers
Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi
Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside
No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod
If you 'Friend Request' me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence
The 'L' in my luck has been replaced with an 'F'
Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there.. T_IF
Wishes I had a 'friend with benefits. But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket.
I failed my drivers test. The guy asked me, "what do you do at a red light?" I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook
My mother + my father - condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you're full of crap before you get there
All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan
Thinks that the 'speaking to another human being'' feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature
Failure is not an option!! its a lifestyle
To err is human, to arr is pirate..
I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything.. but i signed my own birth certificate
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
Music has the charm to soothe a savage beast. But I'd try a baseball bat first
I'm getting pretty nervous about my math exam. I think I've got a 40:40 percent chance of passing
I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to
My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit
Every time I go to the pool in my bathing suit I can feel all the women dressing me with their eyes
The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy
In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus
Let's be frank here. I'll be Sinatra and you be Zappa
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin
If you want to know what life would be like if you were rich, look at your cats
All pistachios come from broken homes
I was feeling bold but then I lost my b
I understand, you love interfering. What do you want, a meddle?
There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep"
I might not be my mothers favourite child but I am her only one so that makes me kind of special
You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium
The worst thing about having ADD and OCD is that I forget to wash my hands 50 times a day
My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel
The doctor gave me a new jacket! Now I can hug myself!
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face
Girls names are like passwords. Get it wrong.. access denied
I like to think my lack of common sense enhances my other senses
If I could be any person, living or dead, I'd definitely be a living person
Dragons sleep during the day so they can hunt knights
This after-hours club looks suspiciously like my couch
Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop
Wife's on her way back from the shrink. I can't wait to find out what I need to work on
Sound advice from my wife. 99% sound. 1% advice
According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller. So when I lose a game, I swear and throw myself at the wall
Kilometers are shorter than miles. So, I'm taking my next trip in kilometers to save gas
Don't grow up! It's a trap!!!
Why limit happy to just an hour?
I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?
I'm on the 'Starts Tomorrow' diet
There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call
Just got a memory foam pillow and I still can't remember my dreams. Lies!
You can't fire me, I'm not even loaded
Cell phones have completely ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool
Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat
There are times I miss you so bad I wish I could remember where I hid your body
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms
I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide which vending machine to spend it at
Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid
The barman says "we don't serve time travellers here". A time traveller walks into a bar
Though many think the letter 'M' is quite common, it actually only occurs once in a blue moon
I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time
My wife isn't always right, but she's certainly never wrong
A surprise party is a great way to show your wife how convincingly you can lie to her
I run my Adobe updates while I'm waiting for my mother to make her point
Heard a store ad offering 24 months with no interest. Just like my life
My relationship with my ex wife was very psychological..... she's psycho and I'm logical
I'll be texting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me
Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They're usually paramedics, but still, new people
Another 12 step program and I still can't dance
If you love something let it go. If it comes back, maybe you love a boomerang
I have a few jokes about unemployment.. but they need some work
I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow